home message theme
I honestly think my greatest hits in life are the ones where I’ve sat in a parking lot with the ones who mean the most just allowing ourselves to have no idea what were doing and letting that be ok.
When I literally had to put on my music bc it’s better than listening to people talk about me like I’m not there. But there’s no use when they act like it too.
Getting in touch with my inner emotions the other night bc too intoxicated to do anything else I thought I was crying bc I failed at being a good person. And then I realized no. I’m a great fucking person and I shouldn’t have to continually blame myself for feeling how I feel, bc that’s what humans do. They feel things that maybe aren’t good feelings but they’re unintentional and natural and uncontrollable. So I’m just gonna accept the fact that things that you want most in life sometimes aren’t meant to work out in your favor.
But that wasn’t why I sat down on the pavement literally sobbing my eyes away and fighting with the worst human on planet earth. And after a more sober tear session tonight in the shower I finally realized why I’m so pissed off at the world.
This fucking move is harder than it needs to be and it’s everyone else’s fault. I take 0 blame and I’m proud.
First it’s like I don’t have time for myself because every single fucking person whose ever been in my life for more than five minutes just NEEDS to see me. I haven’t started packing, I haven’t read more than one or two chapters a day (4 page long chapters might I add) if even that, I haven’t been in my bed except for when I sleep and some nights I haven’t even slept there, I literally got to the point where I forgot to fucking eat for almost 3 days. Who the fuck forgets to eat. I guess that’s why celebrities are always so skinny because most of them are so busy they probably forget to eat too. I almost brought an agenda bc my life is like work @ 12, see a friend @ 2, see a family member @ 6, go have dinner with someone you’ve met 3 times @ 8, and so on everyday for a good week.
Honestly that sounds ungrateful but it’s all a waste of time. Half the plans have been made for me without my consent, and instead of it being for me it turns out to be all about someone else, I mean honestly I could’ve had Friday/Saturday all to myself but instead I went to a “going away party” complete with beer that I don’t drink, people I don’t know and coworkers I’ve talked to once or twice. How enjoyable. And a dinner with one of my moms friends who I’ve literally met once or twice but needed to see me so bad before I left and barely said any words to me. And it seems like every time there’s a plan with friends or family members who need to see my so damn bad because I’m going to be missed so terribly, not once do they make an effort to acknowledge my existence bc let’s be honest we’ve all got our own lives and I’m not that important but how rude would it be if they didn’t at least pretend they care. My thing is I’ve been in the same place for 18 years, and you just now decide to care about seeing me. And everyone wonders why I’m so excited to leave.
In fact they wonder too much for my liking, Jesus Christ the first question is either “so are you nervous?” “Having cold feet?” “Are you scared?” “Are you sad?” All these negative connotations that I never had until they made me feel like I should. If I was fucking scared I wouldn’t go but here you are making everything what it’s not. Maybe if you weren’t so content with misery you’d realize that I’m scared of not leaving or ever having to come back.
And then there’s the inbetweeners. The ones who think my time is theirs to waste. You know what I hate? People who break plans. Nothing fucking bothers me more. Especially when they don’t acknowledge it until it’s too late, oh sorry I couldn’t make it to family lunch I had tickets to a football game how about Sunday? Oh sorry I couldn’t make it today I wasn’t feeling good how about the day you’ve already filled with last minute plans? Oh that won’t work? Oh okay well how about 24 hours before you leave even thought you’ve barely packed and would rather spend that time with people who have actually spoken more than a few sentences to you over the past 5 years and don’t act like they all of a sudden decided that you’re important to them. Oh I hope I’m not stressing you out trying to work you’re already too-busy schedule around when I’m feeling up to seeing you. Please. I’m only going to this breakfast for the graduation money, at least if you’re gonna waste my time you can pay for next months phone bill. Let’s not forget the ones who come to you for help because they ran away from home for the 50th time and would rather go off with some std infested coke head than take your advice that they asked for in the first place or the ones who promised you things would be different this time around and decided to get mad that I didn’t appreciate the “I’m gonna act like I don’t have half a brain” act. Not to mention when you put your complete trust in someone who fucked you over worse than the guy who went around telling half the party (the half that I didn’t know might I add) who you gave it up to, actually invited that bastard to the party and then literally called me a piece of shit because I didn’t trust him with anything else. Oh okay. Fuck off all 5 of you. 6 if you include the bastard.
And I keep going back to this quote in this book that I can’t remember word for word and they basically said how strange it is that you never know your last times. You don’t know that the last time you pet a dog or buy groceries or kiss someone or go to the beach or see your sister will be the last time ever. Yet it’s better that way because you can enjoy it the way you normally would without the worry of it being the last time and the pressure to make it better than ever before. I think that’s true. I think if people weren’t so wrapped up in the fact that this may be the last time they see me or that I’m taking a giant leap of faith my last few days would’ve been more enjoyable. Now it all feels forced and fake. Why can’t people just stop making every little thing a god damn milestone? Myself included, but everyone else too nonetheless.
And I’ve been holding that in for days and literally do not even care to hold anything in anymore because last time I held it in I blacked out and almost had a fist fight with the someone for the sake of keeping it bottled up